The role of control in modern-day parenting styles is a significant factor that shapes both the parent-child relationship and the child’s development. Parenting styles, based on the level of control exercised, generally fall into four main categories: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved.
Each of these approaches handles control differently, with varied impacts on children’s emotional, social, and cognitive growth.
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Types of Parental Control
Before we dive into the nitty-gritty of how parental control shapes children’s lives, let’s first take a look at the two main styles of control: behavioral and psychological.
Behavioral parental control is all about managing a child’s actions. This might involve setting clear rules, asking where they’re going and with whom, grounding them for breaking curfew, or making them sit in a time-out chair. For example, if a child refuses to do their homework, a parent might take away screen time until it’s done. The focus here is on guiding behavior through consequences and structure.
Psychological parental control, on the other hand, takes a more emotional route—and it can be much harder to spot. This style includes things like guilt-tripping, giving the silent treatment, or threatening to withdraw affection. Imagine a parent saying, “I guess you don’t love me anymore,” because their child didn’t want to visit extended family. The goal isn’t just to change behavior—it’s to influence how the child feels or thinks.
Overall, most studies suggest that behavioral parental control tends to have a positive impact on children’s development. When used appropriately, it can help kids learn boundaries, take responsibility for their actions, and develop self-discipline.
In contrast, psychological parental control is generally linked to negative outcomes. Research shows it can interfere with a child’s emotional growth, lead to anxiety or low self-esteem, and make it harder for them to develop a strong sense of self.
(Source: Frontiers in Psychology)
Having said this, let’s dive into different parenting styles and how control plays a part in them, and key signs to look out for.
In the chart below, we’ve mapped out four major parenting styles based on warmth and control. You’ll notice the pictures show a traditional ‘mom, dad, and kids’ setup — that’s just for easy representation. Families, of course, come in all shapes and forms, and this applies no matter what yours looks like.
Now, let’s go into the details of each of these parenting styles and how they affect your children.
1. Authoritarian Parenting: High Control, Low Warmth
Authoritarian parents are highly controlling and demand obedience, often with little room for flexibility or open dialogue. Rules are strict, and punishment is used to enforce discipline. While this style may achieve immediate compliance, research indicates that it can hurt children’s emotional well-being. Children raised under authoritarian parenting often struggle with low self-esteem, poor social skills, and anxiety. They may also develop an external locus of control, where they look outside themselves for guidance on how to behave, rather than trusting their own judgment.
Signs of Control Authoritarian Parent
- Frequent use of rules without much explanation (“because I said so”).
- Limited flexibility—children have little say in decisions.
- High expectations of obedience and discipline.
- Less room for negotiation or open discussion.
- Parents may monitor closely and give fewer chances for independence.
2. Authoritative Parenting: High Control, High Warmth
Authoritative parenting combines high control with warmth and support. Parents set clear expectations and guidelines but are also responsive to their child’s emotional needs and encourage open communication. This balance between control and nurturing fosters independence and self-discipline. Studies show that children raised by authoritative parents tend to have higher academic performance, better emotional regulation, and stronger social skills. They are often more self-reliant because their parents’ use of control is not rigid but adaptive to the child’s needs and developmental stage.
Control in Authoritative Parenting
- Parents set rules and expectations, but they explain the reasoning behind them.
- Consistency in boundaries, paired with encouragement and support.
- Willingness to listen to a child’s perspective before making decisions.
- Expectations are high, but so is involvement and empathy.
- Control shows up as guidance rather than dominance.
3. Permissive Parenting: Low Control, High Warmth
In permissive parenting, control is minimal, and children are given a great deal of freedom to make their own choices, often without much guidance or boundaries. Parents are nurturing and communicative, but tend to avoid enforcing rules or consequences. While children might appreciate the autonomy, the lack of structure can lead to challenges in self-regulation, poor impulse control, and difficulties with authority in other areas of life, such as school. Studies suggest that children of permissive parents may struggle with academic performance and develop egocentric tendencies, expecting the same level of leniency in environments outside the home.
Parental Control in Permissive Parenting
- Few rules or boundaries; children often have more decision-making power.
- Parents may avoid saying “no” or enforcing consequences.
- Control shows up more in protective ways (e.g., stepping in if safety is at risk).
- Emotional closeness is prioritized over discipline.
- Guidance tends to be reactive, only when issues arise.
4. Uninvolved Parenting: Low Control, Low Warmth
Uninvolved parents offer little in the way of control or support. They may be emotionally detached or overly focused on other aspects of life, such as work or personal issues, leaving the child to fend for themselves. This style of parenting can have the most detrimental effects on children, leading to attachment issues, emotional insecurity, and poor academic and social performance. A lack of control and guidance often results in children feeling neglected and unimportant, which can hinder their ability to form healthy relationships and self-concepts.
Signs of Control in Uninvolved Parenting
- Minimal rules, expectations, or involvement in daily routines.
- Limited monitoring of the child’s activities, friends, or decisions.
- Parents may step in only when absolutely necessary.
- Control is not actively expressed, sometimes due to stress, distraction, or other life pressures.
- Children often experience more independence, but with less parental direction.
The Control Wars: Parent vs. Child
Control wars between parents and children arise when both parties struggle to assert their authority or independence. These wars can take many forms and occur at various stages of development:
1. Toddlers and the “No” Phase
The first big control war often happens during the toddler years. Known as the “terrible twos,” this stage is marked by the frequent use of the word “no.” Toddlers want to control their world and assert their preferences, whether it’s refusing food, not wanting to go to bed, or demanding to wear a certain outfit (no matter how impractical).
In these instances, toddlers are not just being difficult—they’re experimenting with boundaries and control. By saying “no,” they’re figuring out where they have power. For parents, this often leads to frustration, as tasks that once were simple become lengthy negotiations. However, giving toddlers some control over small choices, like choosing between two shirts or snacks, can help reduce conflict and empower the child.
2. Preschool and School-Age Children: Rules and Boundaries
As children move into preschool and beyond, they start to understand rules but may still push back against them, especially if they feel the rules are arbitrary or unfair. School-age children often crave control over their social lives, friendships, and routines. This is a time when control wars can become more complex, as children negotiate not only with parents but also with teachers, siblings, and peers.
At this stage, children may resist parental control over their schedules (homework, playtime, chores) and start testing limits more subtly—through procrastination, bargaining, or rebellion. For instance, children might argue over bedtime or how much screen time they can have. These control wars are often a reflection of children’s growing desire to manage their own time and choices, and they may feel frustrated when they’re not granted the autonomy they seek.
3. Teenagers: The Ultimate Battle for Independence
Control wars typically peak during the teenage years. Adolescents are biologically driven to assert their independence as they prepare for adulthood. This may involve challenging curfews, arguing over social activities, or asserting more control over their personal choices—clothing, music, relationships, etc.
For parents, the teenage control war is particularly tough. Teens often see any parental restriction as an infringement on their autonomy, which can lead to power struggles. On the other hand, parents may feel that relinquishing too much control can expose teens to risks or poor decision-making. These control wars can lead to significant tension in the parent-child relationship, especially if both sides refuse to compromise.
Navigating the Control Wars
The key to surviving control wars is finding a balance where children feel they have some control, while parents maintain the necessary boundaries for safety and well-being. Here are some strategies for navigating these struggles:
- Offer Limited Choices: Giving children choices within boundaries helps satisfy their need for control. For instance, allowing them to pick from two options (“Do you want to brush your teeth now or in 5 minutes?”) can defuse power struggles while ensuring the parent’s goals are still met.
- Be Clear About Non-Negotiables: Some aspects of life, like health and safety, are non-negotiable. It’s important for parents to be firm on these issues while explaining the reasoning behind them. When children understand why certain rules exist, they may be more willing to accept them.
- Encourage Autonomy in Safe Ways: As children grow, giving them more control over decisions that don’t have major consequences (like what to wear or how to spend their free time) can empower them. By giving them responsibility in areas where it’s safe to fail, they’ll learn valuable life lessons.
- Empathy and Open Dialogue: Acknowledging a child’s desire for control and discussing it openly can help resolve many conflicts. For teens especially, feeling heard and respected can lead to more cooperation and trust. Parents who foster a communicative relationship with their children are more likely to negotiate conflicts effectively.
- Model Emotional Regulation: Control wars often escalate when emotions run high on both sides. Parents who remain calm and model emotional regulation during power struggles teach their children to do the same. This can turn what could be a heated conflict into a constructive conversation.
Conclusion
Children’s craving for control is a natural and essential part of their development. While it can lead to power struggles between parents and children, these control wars also provide opportunities for growth on both sides. Children learn responsibility, decision-making, and autonomy, and when parents navigate these conflicts with patience and understanding, it can foster a stronger, more respectful relationship with their children. Control wars may be inevitable, but they’re also crucial in helping children grow into independent, self-assured adults.
