Parenting Styles and the Control Wars: Navigating Boundaries with Kids

The role of control in modern-day parenting styles is a significant factor that shapes both the parent-child relationship and the child’s development. Parenting styles, based on the level of control exercised, generally fall into four main categories: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved.

Each of these approaches handles control differently, with varied impacts on children’s emotional, social, and cognitive growth.

Authoritarian Parenting: High Control, Low Warmth

Authoritarian parents are highly controlling and demand obedience, often with little room for flexibility or open dialogue. Rules are strict, and punishment is used to enforce discipline. While this style might achieve immediate compliance, research shows that it can negatively affect children’s emotional well-being. Children raised under authoritarian parenting often struggle with low self-esteem, poor social skills, and anxiety. They may also develop an external locus of control, where they look outside themselves for guidance on how to behave, rather than trusting their own judgment.

Authoritative Parenting: High Control, High Warmth

Authoritative parenting combines high control with warmth and support. Parents set clear expectations and guidelines but are also responsive to their child’s emotional needs and encourage open communication. This balance between control and nurturing fosters independence and self-discipline. Studies show that children raised by authoritative parents tend to have higher academic performance, better emotional regulation, and stronger social skills. They are often more self-reliant because their parents’ use of control is not rigid but adaptive to the child’s needs and developmental stage.

Permissive Parenting: Low Control, High Warmth

In permissive parenting, control is minimal, and children are given a great deal of freedom to make their own choices, often without much guidance or boundaries. Parents are nurturing and communicative but tend to avoid enforcing rules or consequences. While children might appreciate the autonomy, the lack of structure can lead to challenges in self-regulation, poor impulse control, and difficulties with authority in other areas of life, such as school. Studies suggest that children of permissive parents may struggle with academic performance and develop egocentric tendencies, expecting the same level of leniency in environments outside the home.

Uninvolved Parenting: Low Control, Low Warmth

Uninvolved parents offer little in the way of control or support. They may be emotionally detached or overly focused on other aspects of life, such as work or personal issues, leaving the child to fend for themselves. This style of parenting can have the most detrimental effects on children, leading to attachment issues, emotional insecurity, and poor academic and social performance. A lack of control and guidance often results in children feeling neglected and unimportant, which can hinder their ability to form healthy relationships and self-concepts.

Do children crave control?

Children, like adults, crave a sense of control in their lives. This desire begins early in development and is a natural part of growing up. As children learn about their environment, they also want to exert influence over it, making choices and decisions that reflect their own preferences and needs.

However, as parents or caregivers set boundaries to protect and guide them, this can lead to inevitable clashes—commonly referred to as “control wars.”

Why Children Crave Control

1. Autonomy and Independence: As children grow, particularly during the toddler and teenage years, they start seeking more independence. Toddlers insist on picking out their clothes, and teens want more say in their social lives. This drive stems from their developing sense of self and autonomy. By making decisions, children feel empowered, which boosts their self-esteem and helps them build a sense of responsibility.
2. Predictability and Security: A certain level of control also provides children with predictability. Knowing that they can have a say in what they wear, eat, or play with gives them a sense of stability. This can be especially important in situations where the rest of their lives feel unpredictable, such as during family changes, moving to a new place, or starting school.
3. Mastery and Competence: Making choices, even small ones, helps children build competence. When they feel in control of tasks like dressing themselves or deciding what game to play, they’re learning essential skills that foster problem-solving and confidence.

The Control Wars: Parent vs. Child

Control wars between parents and children arise when both parties struggle to assert their authority or independence. These wars can take many forms and occur at various stages of development:

1. Toddlers and the “No” Phase

The first big control war often happens during the toddler years. Known as the “terrible twos,” this stage is marked by the frequent use of the word “no.” Toddlers want to control their world and assert their preferences, whether it’s refusing food, not wanting to go to bed, or demanding to wear a certain outfit (no matter how impractical).

In these instances, toddlers are not just being difficult—they’re experimenting with boundaries and control. By saying “no,” they’re figuring out where they have power. For parents, this often leads to frustration, as tasks that once were simple become lengthy negotiations. However, giving toddlers some control over small choices, like choosing between two shirts or snacks, can help reduce conflict and empower the child.

2. Preschool and School-Age Children: Rules and Boundaries

As children move into preschool and beyond, they start to understand rules but may still push back against them, especially if they feel the rules are arbitrary or unfair. School-age children often crave control over their social lives, friendships, and routines. This is a time when control wars can become more complex, as children negotiate not only with parents but also with teachers, siblings, and peers.

At this stage, children may resist parental control over their schedules (homework, playtime, chores) and start testing limits more subtly—through procrastination, bargaining, or rebellion. For instance, children might argue over bedtime or how much screen time they can have. These control wars are often a reflection of children’s growing desire to manage their own time and choices, and they may feel frustrated when they’re not granted the autonomy they seek.

3. Teenagers: The Ultimate Battle for Independence

Control wars typically peak during the teenage years. Adolescents are biologically driven to assert their independence as they prepare for adulthood. This may involve challenging curfews, arguing over social activities, or asserting more control over their personal choices—clothing, music, relationships, etc.

For parents, the teenage control war is particularly tough. Teens often see any parental restriction as an infringement on their autonomy, which can lead to power struggles. On the other hand, parents may feel that relinquishing too much control can expose teens to risks or poor decision-making. These control wars can lead to significant tension in the parent-child relationship, especially if both sides refuse to compromise.

Navigating the Control Wars

The key to surviving control wars is finding a balance where children feel they have some control, while parents maintain the necessary boundaries for safety and well-being. Here are some strategies for navigating these struggles:

1. Offer Limited Choices: Giving children choices within boundaries helps satisfy their need for control. For instance, allowing them to pick from two options (“Do you want to brush your teeth now or in 5 minutes?”) can defuse power struggles while ensuring the parent’s goals are still met.
2. Be Clear About Non-Negotiables: Some aspects of life, like health and safety, are non-negotiable. It’s important for parents to be firm on these issues while explaining the reasoning behind them. When children understand why certain rules exist, they may be more willing to accept them.
3. Encourage Autonomy in Safe Ways: As children grow, giving them more control over decisions that don’t have major consequences (like what to wear or how to spend their free time) can empower them. By giving them responsibility in areas where it’s safe to fail, they’ll learn valuable life lessons.
4. Empathy and Open Dialogue: Acknowledging a child’s desire for control and discussing it openly can help resolve many conflicts. For teens especially, feeling heard and respected can lead to more cooperation and trust. Parents who foster a communicative relationship with their children are more likely to negotiate through conflicts effectively.
5. Model Emotional Regulation: Control wars often escalate when emotions run high on both sides. Parents who remain calm and model emotional regulation during power struggles teach their children to do the same. This can turn what could be a heated conflict into a constructive conversation.

Conclusion

Children’s craving for control is a natural and essential part of their development. While it can lead to power struggles between parents and children, these control wars also provide opportunities for growth on both sides. For children, they learn responsibility, decision-making, and autonomy. For parents, navigating these conflicts with patience and understanding can foster a stronger, more respectful relationship with their children. Control wars may be inevitable, but they’re also crucial in helping children grow into independent, self-assured adults.